This has been my brave week of letting go ‘things’ I love dearly. I learned on Tuesday that my nearly 13 year old ‘pup’s’ distended belly was not weight gain, but a malignant tumor. Worse, the compassionate gesture was to let him go to the Angels. My grief hit me like a canon ball to the gut. His brother, Bert, has taken on all our sorrow, his body limp with despair. Like John Coffee in ‘A Green Mile,’ he threw up 10 times in 8 hours, releasing our collective hurt and sadness.
The loss of our high energy, smiling Ernie Boy has created a hole I’m not sure how we will fill.
How fortunate I was to spend a day devoted to Ernie, a car ride to visit work and friends, a walk outside, extra treats, lots of photos and so many kisses and hugs of appreciation for his presence in my life. Dizzy with the surreal nature of this new reality, and its immediacy, we sat on the grass in my backyard, my arms around his soft, yellow fur, more kisses to the noggin I’d kissed a million times, lipstick dots marking him loved.
I remember thinking, where should his resting spot be? In the next moment Ernie rose and dug beneath a nearby tree, then proudly sat beneath it and smiled at me. I nearly fell over. ‘Okay’ I thought, I honor your choice dear one. He then urinated to mark it surely his own.
Oh the love I have for my boy turned Angel!
When it came time to release my baby to the Heavens, I choose a quilt I’d purchased in Bali, sprinkled lavender oil on it and burnt some incense, as it felt right. He was tired from the day and the weight of his cancer. We layed together on the quilt, me holding him close, his eyes looking into mine with a knowing, an appreciation and so much love. He licked my tears which flowed easily since learning of his illness and making the choice I knew to be right. Ernie selflessly worried about me, was comforting me with his soft licks.
And when the vet came and 2 friends for support, how honored I was to hold him, comfort him, tell him how loved and safe he was, safe in his human Mama’s arms.
I felt his soul leave, his body merely a shell then to his magnificent spirit. To realize a loss is when we know how richly blessed we were, to have had moments of such deep connection and love.
It’s we the survivors who hurt. My sweet Ernie is safe and I know enjoying his new out-of-body realm.
The gripping despair I’ve felt has helped me recognize and move from other areas of my life where I feel pain, relationships where an easy fit won’t come. Ernie’s gift to me was to better honor myself through choices that support and uplift me and, to do my best to honor others with the same presence and joy he shared every day.
I send love and deep gratitude to my Ernie boy and hope to be lucky enough to meet him without my own body one day, free to frolic in the next world with the same freedom, exuberance and joy he demonstrated to me each and every day of his life with me.
Oh, for the love of dogs. I have been so richly blessed….and know it.
BB Webb